"Dead Heads"

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"Dead Heads."

America not only contains the biggest rivers, the amplest lakes and prairies, the most prolific mines, in the world—but it probably has by all odds the most Dead Heads. Reader! of course you know what a Dead Head is;—not a head from which life has departed—not a stricken or mashed head—not even a lethargic, sleeping, snoring head. No; only the head of a person who, (for certain reasons, sometimes very sufficient ones,) don’t pay for things like other people.

They who pass to the theatres, operas, shows, concerts, lectures, &c., making no deposit at the ticket offices—they who ride over railroads, or in steamboats, or stages, without the owners ever being any the better in a pecuniary sense—they who get books, reviews and magazines "for nothing"—all these, and all the like of these, are Dead Heads.

Editors, publishers, printers, reporters, and gentlemen of the press generally, are horrible Dead Heads—the fact must be admitted with tears and humiliation. But the public always gets even with the said printers and publishers. Dead Headism reacts upon them. Not a day passes in the life of a newspaper but it (through some of its attaches,) does things gratuitously, good-naturedly, for one or more Dead Heads. O yes, indeed; the public gets enough out of newspaper editors!

There was an old woman who traveled all over the world, as a Dead Head. Her name was Madam Ida Pfeiffer.¹ She wrote a book.

Even the Aldermen of cities—even members of the Legislature, submit themselves to be Dead Heads sometimes. They go riding in easy carriages, smoke six-cent cigars, drink punch—then eat costly and plentiful dinners—all after the Dead Head manner.

But the greatest Dead Heads are the clergymen; probably it must be so, and cannot happen otherwise. Who ever knew a clergyman that was no Dead Head?

Some persons have a morbid repugnance to Dead Headism. They will not allow anything to be done for them in a friendly way—they are so independent. If after they have had anything, they inquire how much? and you say “never mind”—they color up, frown, and plunk down the money with more noise than is any ways needed. It appears as if these men wished to isolate themselves from their fellow creatures. We have to say, however, that this is not a numerous class of persons.

A well-developed Dead Head neither begs any thing nor refuses any thing. He is ductile, like Nature. It may be seen that he will not become angered when you say “Never mind;” but for all that he would cheerfully pay if it were expected. Most Dead Heads are masculine. The old woman who traveled all over the world is the only female Dead Head we know of. Now, if American men are indeed so gallant, why don’t the theatres, railroads, saloons, &c., pass women free?

Yet perhaps there is a vast disguised sort of Dead Headism among women. We hear there are large quantities of women who “go out” continually with men, and think it disgraceful when they are not treated to ice-cream, oysters, jellies, Sc., or perhaps to theatre tickets, or to the negro minstrels. If we were asked our opinion of such things, we answer we should think it would always be a pleasure to a rightly constituted man to give to women whatever they wish, or show a desire for.

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