An Extraordinary Document

image 1image 2image 3image 4cropped image 1

AN EXTRAORDINARY DOCUMENT.

Some time ago, the "Knickerbocker' magazine¹ used to publish specimens from a mythical newspaper which it denominated "The Bunkum Flagstaff" and which were capital satires on the pompous verbosity and the inflated verbiage of too many of our newspaper writers and public speakers. We were reminded of these "Bunkum" papers, last night, in listening to a preamble and resolutions concerning the Atlantic Telegraph Cable,² offered by Alderman Douglass,³ which, re-published here, would occupy more than a column of our paper.

The Alderman of the 10th, who was elected over the regular Democratic nominee by the "independent voters," mostly of the opposition, seems determined to distinguish himself, in some way or other, on every possible occasion that affords him a chance. He does all sorts of extraordinary things. His course, since he became a member of the Board, has been as erratic as that of a comet. He is perpetually "turning up" with something new and startling, and no matter what its nature may be, he is always certain to present it in the most bombastic and "highfalutin" manner, and in as many words as possible. he seems to have as great a passion for stringing together sentences in an official document as the great Wilkins Micawber had for writing interminable letters. The independents of the 10th must be well satisfied by this time that they have secured as their representative in the Board, "one of the most remarkable men in the country."

Let us examine for a moment that this last remarkable effusion of the Alderman's. At the very first sentence we pause in despair. It occupies an entire page of foolscap, and its clauses are so curiously and wonderfully put together that we lack the courage to inflict them upon the reader. Passing on to the next, we quote a portion in order to give the reader a "taste of the quality" of the entire document—the italics are our own:—"The electrical current of pride must emulate every American heart at the name of Fulton as the inventor of steam; Hoe for the Lightening Press, echoing the latest and the greatest news from all quarters of the globe, McCormick for the reaper (here follows a list of about every inventor that ever came out of Yankeedom); to the gallant Hudson and his beautiful Niagara all honor and praise are due and we gladly welcome them as our own (Brooklyn's) never to be forgotten," etc., etc., in the same strain.

Then Cyrus Field⁴ come in for a little buncombe. Listen!—"Resolved, That in Cyrus W. Field we have a Nation's pride, and in him centre the noble attributes of intellect, sound judgement, energy, indomitable perseverence and enterprise that has carried this great work to a successful completion, amid the temptations, reverses and storms of fate that seemed to overwhelm and overthrow this great enterprise."

Then come a series of resolutions, each specially devoted to one of the sharers in "this great enterprise" from the man who manufactured the gutta percha⁵ to the boy that oiled the "paying our" machinery. We quote one of these as bonne bouche: "Resolved that Prof. Hughes in his wonderful instrument has merited the appellation of Recording Angel in this great work, and that through it Religion must spread it benign influence to the remotest parts of earth, blessing all founders and participators."

A bit of pathos:—"Many a tear of remembrance will have been shed in this city to Captain Hudson, who by a life of devotion to our citizens" &c., &c.

But here comes something that (to use an expressive colloquialism) is "perfectly frantic." Attend! "Resolved, That Americans can rejoice (is it possible Mr. D?—Ed.) in the ability of her sons—where the (Cyrus W.) Field is attainable, the Marshall (O. Roberts) shall (Wilson G.) Hunt up such places as the (Moses) Taylor and (Peter) Cooper, to aid in the construction of this beautiful work, and with the feelings of (re)morse, he hews (Hughes) the temple into shape with Yankee ingenuity, and spreads its fame where ever its (Everett's) known." There!—if that's not a specimen of Aldermanic wit, then there never was such a thing.

The resolution next to the last is cool, very cool—even chilly. The Ald. "resolves" that "our Pyrotechnists"—(who are "our pyrotechnists"?) be invited to give a beautiful and free, display of fireworks, as offered to be the New York Common Council, at the City Hall in this city." It is quite possible that "our pyrotechnists," whom the Alderman alludes to so familiarly, may, for obvious reasons, entertain some small objections against complying with the polite invitation of Ald. D.

But enough of this. The paper, after creating considerable hardly-concealed merriment in the Board, was laid on the table. One facetious member made a very fair hit by suggesting that it be sent across the Atlantic Cable at a cost not to exceed a dollar a word, as a specimen of American eloquence, but the proposition was not carried.

There was another report presented by the same gentleman, last night, from the Law Committee, in favor of reducing the police force one-half. Ald. Douglass moved that it be printed in the Corporation newspapers, and the motion was carried by an unreflecting majority, who voted mechanically, without seeming to know or care what the adoption of the motion would involve. Her is a report of twenty eight large pages—a perfect mass of verbiage—that the Corporation newspapers are made, against the better sense of their conductors, to inflict upon the public, simply because an egotistic Alderman wants to see himself in print. The Common Council should exercise a little more discretion in the manner in which they pile upon as official documents. Because it wontwont​ cost anything extra, some its members seem to think that the press of Brooklyn should be made a repository of all the long winded documents that are offered during its session.

---